Online: Be Yourself not Anonymous

I don’t know about you, but when I see a comment by “Anonymous” I automatically discount its worth. If you don’t value your time and words enough to put your name to them then why bother? Be yourself online, not anonymous is what I’ve always believed, until I began thinking in earnest about marketing.

I believe to achieve online equanimity, one’s words need the check of accountability provided by owning up to your true identity. While this is true in theory, it doesn’t hold up when viewed under the lens of marketing scrutiny. Whether you’re selling a product or yourself—for what is our online community now but one big concession stand–does anonymity hurt or help sales?

What began as a reflection on the troubling vileness of comments left by incognito voices, has now morphed into a marketing inquiry. If you’ve read any of my political posts you know I don’t shy away from expressing my opinion. Surely this could potentially costs me readers, but will it cost me customers as well as I seek to publish? Should I be more mindful of how my personal views could influence the buying power of the public whenever I blog, tweet or post to tumblr?

Doesn’t transparency makes for better discussions? My want for openness is not a call for any person’s voice to be muted but rather a plea for clarity, civility and consciousness. Sure, being yourself online is hard, but if it can cure what infects the comment sections allover the internet, wouldn’t it be worth it? While (evidently) it may not keep me you from embarrassing myself yourself, I believe it does more to keep one honest and reflective than hiding behind the mask of anonymity.

Consider this—isn’t it equally important to be yourself when you are your own brand and proprietor of your own company? You can’t market YOU anonymously, can you? Or should you be a fictitious, more marketable you? How much of yourself can you reveal before you risk repelling clients, customers, or readers with your personal views? What about when those views have nothing to do with your product?

We’ve seen what can happen to companies that support political candidates or issues that don’t comply with social mores. Calls of boycotts, twitter blitzes, even in-store protests have made headlines. Much to their credit, JCPenney stood firm in its support of choosing Ellen Degeneres, an openly gay woman, as its spokesperson despite some hater’s protests, and then there were the protests and counter support of Chick-Fil-A when it funded anti-gay groups.

Recently the stink is hitting Hobby Lobby for purporting to hold it’s anti-abortion, anti-contraception ideals as religious rights sacred enough to take to the Supreme Court, when if fact they are heavily invested in those products through their company financial holdings, and made a lot money doing so. Hypocrites with a capital H.. When do the values you promote personally, or as a private company, matter to customers enough to effect your bottom line or reputation? Even more recent is how this effects it’s employees and potentially all employees with bosses who think they can rule over your personal life.

Do you as a consumer consider a company or individuals politics, values, or religion before making a purchase? Do you have a list of companies you won’t do business with because of their carbon foot print or quality of life standards for workers don’t met your expectations? Do you make a purchase if  your wants or needs of a product countermand your convictions against the companies policies?

Does a company like Chick-fil-A, whose religious agenda is clearly and proudly part of their companies purpose statement— “To glorify God by being a faithful steward of all that is entrusted to us.” —risk losing customers that don’t support their views? Or do people just not care when it comes to filling their bellies?

What does this mean for me, a blogger, sole proprietor, a writer who one day hopes to sell a few novels? Or you, the account exec who secretly writes a popular romance series of novels, or middle school teacher who is a skilled erotica poet and earns half her salary in affiliated links?

Apples and oranges isn’t it? A secret identity to sell your wares in some instances is commonsense. A secret identity to be ugly, repressive, and argumentative is not. Hiding your identity to promote an agenda that is counter to your public face-uh, no.

Anonymity does nothing but give one a false sense of entitlement to say whatever one wants. Aside from the few instances when this is a necessity to protect yourself from harm, it seems to me that we’d be better off without the ability to hide from ourselves or others.

Like the rules we set for our children when teaching them personal responsibility online “Never say online what you wouldn’t say to someones face or their mother.” That’s what I taught my children, and I’m determined to adhere to this maxim myself.

I never comment online under another name. I am always me, and I believe it keeps me from saying much of what needn’t be said, out loud, to anyone. Though I do not shy away from expressing my opinion, I’m learning to temper it with an understanding of how it reflects on me.

That’s why I promise to always be me online. When I find my message or responses becoming vitriolic I know I need to step back and let my anger abate. If the message is still something I need to express, if the anger is justified and makes sense after I’ve cooled, then I’m prepared to stand behind my words, but I intend to be responsible for what I say and I hope you’ll hold me accountable for it too.

Freedom of speech is not freedom from accountability. You should have to own up to what you say, write or preach. whether you are an individual or corporation.

Addendum: I’ve been working with this post off and on for months. Many news items of late feel like prescient warning of the impact our words have. Given the results of Donald Sterling’s deservedly quick and complete ousting from NBA, the Hobby Lobby court case, and pretty much every misogynistic statement the Republican party makes, our words will matter to someone-how many someones, and how much an impact their response has remains to be seen.

 

 

 

 

 

Lily Myers – “Shrinking Women” (CUPSI 2013) – YouTube

Amazing poetry about the messages women receive.

 

Lily Myers – “Shrinking Women” (CUPSI 2013) – YouTube.

Letter to My Daughters: Real and Imagined

Let’s get this over with — Ack!!! I was compelled to write this letter to my daughters in response to this…

First of all, Susan Patton – Princeton grad….Is this really your big, meaning-of-life lesson you wish to impart to your imaginary daughters?

At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

Seriously, that’s what she said. Read it for yourselves.

Advice for the young women of Princeton: the daughters I never had.

For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.

No, no, no, a thousand times no. And to those agreeing with her in the comments – ptooey.

I realize I should just dismiss this silly missive for what it is. One woman’s narrow-minded, clouded point-of-view, aimed at a very limited audience, of which, I am not a member.

Except, I have daughters, real and imagined, and I would be remiss if I let this one slide. If anything it gives me chance to impart my own thoughts on life and marriage.

Misinterpretation

Mrs. P. offers up a cautionary tale and advice to the young ladies of her alma mater based on questions asked after a business conference.

Questions she has interpreted to mean, that though Princeton grads are savvy, and smart enough for ivy league educations, they aren’t up to the task of procuring spouses. At least not once they’ve left the confines of their university.

That’s her supposition – young women are clueless as to how to find suitable men to marry once they graduate and join the work force. Women, presumably intellectually able to lead corporations? That, and women’s happiness and self-fulfillment is dependent on marrying “worthy” men. She advises they cull them from the collegiate pool before they’re snatched up by lessor women, you know, those outside the Princeton gene pool. Mothers, hide your sons.

They Wanted Assurance

Susan Patton’s letter was prompted by the Q&A that happened after the morning session of the Women and Leadership Conference. Comments and questions that were asked after all questions relating to the actual reason for being there, were answered.

Imagine these young women, students—who after having had a full load of intellectually stimulating speeches, and conversations — got personal querying their elders about life, friendships and making it all work.

Ma’am, where did you get the idea these question subsumed the importance of all that had transpired previous to those questions? Your letter implies their main interest in participating in the conference was mining you for dating advise. Did anyone actually say “Darn, too bad we had to listen to all that business and leadership tripe when all we really want to know was how to bag a husband?”

She couldn’t imagine these ivy-league educated, future leaders – generations away from her own college experience – were merely wondering how to manage their personal and professional lives?

Letter To My Daughters

Dear Eva, and Lillian, my darling daughters, and to all the other daughters I treat as if they are my own. I want you to read this woman’s letter and promise me you will never, ever let this kind of backwards-ass thinking define who you are. Or your idea of who ivy league women are. She, are not they.

It is plainly wrong to imagine you will find happiness and self-fulfillment through another. The major flaw in this thinking is, what happens if you don’t find a husband, or don’t want a husband, or he leaves you – who are you then?

The Only Life Lesson You Need.

Here it is, my big life lesson for you — self-fulfillment and happiness comes from defining your values, and ideals and living by those principles.

That’s it.

The Purpose of College

You are going to college to obtain an education. To explore worlds bigger than the one you currently reside, and expand the possibilities of who you are, and who you thought you could be. Hopefully, you will develop relationships with all manner of people, of all sexes, peers, and professors, and they will enrich your life, as you will theirs. If you can, travel and get to know the world through others eyes.

Marriage

The purpose of developing intimate relationships isn’t so you will find happiness or self-fulfillment through them. It is to support one another in the pursuit of personal fulfillment and happiness. A pursuit not dependent on the other but facilitated by it.

Find the person whose values, and ideals align with yours. Find the person who encourages you to pursue being the best person you can be for your own edification, not for theirs. And you in turn, be that partner.

If there is anything we have learned over the last few months, it is that other people’s marriages are not based on or defined by ours.

Ideally, and I’m hopeful it will be a legally sanctified choice for all, the definition of marriage is for the partners to define.

The current reality is — women have more decisions and choices to make trying to balance the physical and mental challenges of “having it all.”  I agree that it is mythologized to the point that women often end up feeling unfulfilled. Mrs. P’s answer to that reality is wrong headed, and counter productive.

Successful Relationships

My friends and I, those who have “worthy” husbands, stable, kind, involved partners, we still struggle with self-actualization. Because no matter the state of those relationships – it is not our partners who define us. Nor is it the roles we play in others lives, such as mother, daughter, friend.

The choices we make based on our own values, and morals, being true to these internalized motivations are what lead us to satisfaction and happiness.

The problem with defining yourself by others, is that people change, those relationships evolve, even dissolve — and when they do, who are you then?

If you are always you, you adapt, and respond. Above all, you are always true to you.

Now go out there and make good choices!

Rape Culture

Rather than my own ranty nonsensical post I’d worked on all day, I’m redirecting you to Lauren Nelson’s blog. In particular this post SO YOU’RE TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT “RAPE CULTURE”?

Why? Because it is important. My daughters will soon to be off at college and I resent the fact that I am compelled to teach them how to NOT GET RAPED. That should not have to be one of Momma’s little life lessons.

But it is, so there you go. Read about what “rape culture” is so you can recognize it. Women have the right to EXPECT not to get raped rather than worry about HOW not to get raped.

Men—rather than being outraged that women have the audacity to expect you not to rape them, try channeling your energies into keeping your fellow man from raping your mother, grandmother, sister, cousin, aunt, girlfriend, etc, etc…follow that old adage “If you aren’t part of the problem, be part of the solution,” instead of arguing that you poor guys are being unduly picked on, speak up against those who defile, denigrate, and demean women.

And I am not as patient or eloquent as Lauren. How she’s kept her temper with those men who tried to subvert and suppress the conversation by bringing up facts not in evidence—I’d have just kicked them off with a F**k-Y**! But she’s keeping a civil discourse going, so more power to her and boy am I impressed.

After a long week of reading way too many misogynistic, racist, crap, I’m just too pissed-off to hold my temper. It took all my self control not to enter a verbal war over some lame ass guy bringing up prison rape as a response to another conversation about the rape culture. He was adamant that there couldn’t be a conversation asking men not to rape a woman without addressing the fact that there are more men raped in this county than women. Like that has anything to do with it.

The troll was repeatedly asked to provide the data to support his assertion not just interject speculation, but refused to comply, instead remaining pious as if he was adding anything salient to the conversation. But that’s the way those with nothing to say operate. They can’t engage in the real conversation, they have no real point to make. Their only purpose is to stir ire. I find it very difficult myself to disengage from these attacks so—fair warning, you’ll have no voice here.

As it says in my Disclaimer above-if I deem your input heinous, you’ll be deleted.

 

 

 

From The “Are You Fucking Kidding Me?” File

Oh Darn! I almost made it a month with a political diatribe.

Expounding on the idiotic and outrageous behavior of an alarming number of Republican party members is getting to be pretty hackneyed so I’m just posting this under the “Are you fucking kidding me?” heading. Giving you the benefit-of-doubt for being as morally indignant as I am by their conduct.

excerpt via Huffington Report

A Republican lawmaker in New Mexico introduced a bill on Wednesday that would legally require victims of rape to carry their pregnancies to term in order to use the fetus as evidence for a sexual assault trial.

House Bill 206, introduced by state Rep. Cathrynn Brown (R), would charge a rape victim who ended her pregnancy with a third-degree felony for “tampering with evidence.”

“Tampering with evidence shall include procuring or facilitating an abortion, or compelling or coercing another to obtain an abortion, of a fetus that is the result of criminal sexual penetration or incest with the intent to destroy evidence of the crime,” the bill says.

Third-degree felonies in New Mexico carry a sentence of up to three years in prison.

Pat Davis of ProgressNow New Mexico, a progressive nonprofit opposing the bill, called it “blatantly unconstitutional” on Thursday.

“The bill turns victims of rape and incest into felons and forces them to become incubators of evidence for the state,” he said. “According to Republican philosophy, victims who are ‘legitimately raped’ will now have to carry the fetus to term in order to prove their case.“

The bill is unlikely to pass, as Democrats have a majority in both chambers of New Mexico’s state legislature.

That they throw in “The bill is unlikely to pass…” makes me queasy because this means in some alternate universe the idea that it would be passable is plausible.