Panic at the Disco

Nothing like causing a panic to bring you down to earth.

I haven’t seen Declan since the day we spent 2 hours (uncomplaining) at the eye doctor, and I was really looking forward to our visit today.

It’s beautiful out. I woke up feeling relatively good despite the lingering pain in my side from radiation. I didn’t need an oxycontin over night or this morning to function (text edit keeps changing oxycontin to oxytocin-please note I know the difference between a hormone and a narcotic). And I have no pain from yesterday’s biopsy.

All is well. Declan arrives all smiles and is delighted by his new batch of dinosaurs, and one Godzilla, my thank you gift. The first thing he says to me is “I’m glad you aren’t dead. I don’t want you to die.”

Me either, little man.

He and I had ordered 1000 pipe cleaners at the beginning of summer. We watch video instructions and follow along but you know I am the one who gets stuck making all the things he wants. This morning I had to improvise as there was no Youtube video instruction for an American flag. We/I managed to replicate one well enough…anything for my Prince Charming.

Then he requested pancakes. Easy peasy. We make, we eat. He runs in and pops the tv on while I start to clean up.

OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???

I went dead white. Got light headed, thought my intestines were going to escape my body, while my stomach threatened to abandon ship. I will note, that I did not actually, at any time, get sick. I just felt like I was near death for fifteen minutes. It wasn’t until my face went numb, then my hands went numb, that I started to panic.

When I broke out in a cold sweat and everything went buzzy, I was afraid I’d faint…can I panic now? Not for myself, but I didn’t want to scare Declan. I managed to walk into the family room and tell him I wasn’t feeling well and to watch tv for a bit. I reminded him that Annette is across the street if he needed her. I grab my phone and my hands were shaking so bad I briefly thought that I should go get Annette. Then I texted an SOS to Chris and Kayla. “Come quick, I can’t feel my face,” is not the message you want from the nanny.

Declan is smart and capable. I went back in, laid on the couch and told him I might faint. He said, quite confidently, “That’s okay, I’ll ask Alexa what I need to do for someone who faints.” His instinct to take care of me makes me cry.

So now Chris and Kayla are both on their way. Kayla ratted me out let to Paul know I wasn’t well and he called concerned.

And all I’m thinking is “Fuck. Is this my life now?”

I get a stomach ache and set off a panic at the disco.

I know how annoying it is when I say I’m sorry for a situation not of my own making, but damn it, I’m sorry I’m putting everyone through this. Heck, I’m sorry I’m going through it. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your worry, I do. It’s pure love and I’m grateful for it.

We’re all scared and worried, there is no way to not be. The truth is this is a serious situation, with serious repercussions. The treatments are not fun. Radiation and drugs cause as many problems as they solve. And as hopeful, and as determined as I am to see this though the long-term, the future is unknowable.

It’s the unpredictableness of it all that is most challenging. We have no idea which side effects will strike me, how severely or mildly, or how short or long lasting they’ll be.

It truly is a life that can only be lived one day a time.

However, I believe in making plans for the future, because they help one see past the current situation. Giving yourself things to look forward to, and to live for, can make a big difference in how you weather the storms chronic illness throws at you.

Lillian will be home Sunday, Tracey moves into her new house Aug 3rd, Kayla’s bridal shower is the 4th, her and Chris’s wedding is Sept 1st, Oct 3rd I’m hosting Sara’s baby shower, Oct 16th is our 26th wedding anniversary, I’m redecorating Eva’s and Lillian’s bedrooms (I seem to have a lot more company now).

I have a lot to look forward to.

I Feel Love, Donna Summer

Five and Done

It has been duly noted that not being updated is making some of you anxious. If you are ever in need of reassurance or just need to hear my lovely voice, for crying out loud, call me. You are not bothering me. I assure you, if I don’t want to talk I will not answer the phone.

After a lovely weekend with Sara and the Indoe family, I had a nice quiet Monday, with my 4th dose of radiation, and concluded that treatment with the 5th dose today. 

I was doing great until yesterday afternoon when I suddenly felt like I’d gone a few rounds with Muhammed Ali pounding the crap out of my left side.

The radiation, like many cancer treatments, tends to make one worse before it makes you better. And I was feeling much worse for wear when I woke this morning.

I popped an eight-hundred mils of ibuprofen, and a few hours later off I went to my last app’t. While I was there I asked to see the doctor since I was becoming apprehensive about my biopsy scheduled for Wednesday (we have to be in Boston at 6:30am) after being in considerable pain this morning, I feared tomorrow would be unbearable. 

Oxycontin to the rescue. I’m guessing that will be a recurring theme. 

Tomorrow being biopsy day means Paul and I will spend a lovely morning together. We do so enjoy this alone time. At least it is early enough to avoid rush hour traffic. 

Then at long last I have Declan Thursday! I haven’t seen him since the morning he spent with me at the ophthalmologist…geez, was that really only 4 weeks ago?…and I can’t imagine what he is thinking happened to me. 

I am well supplied with a new group of Dinos for the Dino Compound we started out back, and his new crafting medium, pipe cleaners. Which really means him saying “I’m going to make a turtle,” and then handing me everything. 

I’ll update you after my app’t with Dr Juric on Friday.  I should be starting the meds and learn more about the clinical trial, though I don’t think my participation can be determined until the biopsy results are in. 

Radiation Station

I met Dr. Jim McIntrye on Tuesday. He’s my new radiologist. Luckily for me I don’t have to go to Boston for my treatments since they have a lovely cancer center over in Danvers.

Jim is a chatty fellow. I learned more about his family in one meeting than I’ve ever learned about doctors I’ve know for decades. He’s also a hugger. Which is okay with me, huggers live longer and that is our goal.

Today I had my first dose. One down, four to go. Annoyingly they are at one o’clock in the afternoon. Cancer is very inconvenient.

A lovely young women reached out to me (I signed up to be notified of pertinent clinical trials) to participate in a fatigue study of patients taking Ibrance. It’s a seven week study that takes place over seven months that consists of questionnaires, wearing a special sleep watch and a Fitbit. Easy peasy, and they pay you small stipend, and I get to keep the Fitbit. This cancer thing is really paying off!

Dr Juric called to tell me they decided to biopsy the lymph node under my collar bone. Soft tissue is a much better material to type than bone. It shows up well on the PET scan even though they can’t feel it. Waiting for that app’t to get settled. And he said the insurance company had approved my taking Ibrance. I’ll see him end of next week and finally get going on the drugs. Woohoo!

I’ve had a migraine off and on for three days now. It seems related to the lesion on T8 causing me pain, the one they are radiating. It can take weeks for the full effects of radiation to take effect. Let’s hope I don’t put an ice pick through my temple before then.

I started driving again since the fluid has decreased a bit in my right eye. The distortion isn’t making me queasy anymore. I’m not sure I want to drive to Boston myself yet but the local roads I can drive in my sleep were no problem. I assure you my vision is clear and I’m not endangering myself or anyone else, it was merely a motion sickness issue.

Thank you all for messages of support and love. It means more to me than I could possible express. Huh, you shut me up. Keep up the good work.

The Cancer Chronicle

Seriously, after having a double mastectomy you start feeling a little secure thinking you are finally free and clear. Even though that surgery was at the behest of a recurrence of the breast cancer I’d been diagnosed with six years previously, I truly was surprised when the ophthalmologist broke the news to us – you have cancer in your eyes.

I’ll recap for those who haven’t read the post on Facebook. The rest of you feel free to skip ahead…

July 11, 2019 – edited for brevity.

The third week of May I began suffering terrible migraines and had a shadow in my right eye. I ended up at the retina specialist thinking I had a torn retina. After a full day of angioplasty, ultrasound and many many photos, it turns out I have lesions in both of my eyes. Tiny little tumors, specifically, metastatic breast cancer.

An MRI and a PET scan later reveal many (13?) small lesions (cancer) on bones in my shoulders, in lymph nodes under my collar bone and breast bone, on four vertebrae, and on my pelvis and femur, besides the lesions in both my eyes.

I am fortunate in that I have the best medical institutions at my disposal. I am now, thanks to Jen, under the care of a team of doctors at Mass General Hospital.

Do not believe the appalling statistics concerning MBC. I am not a statistic and they do not necessarily relate to me, or my prognosis. Please read Jay Gould’s essay “The Median Isn’t the Message,” which sums up my attitude on that subject.

No worries, I’m not going anywhere just yet.

July 15, 2019

That catches you up to this weekend’s turn of events. I began experiencing a constricting ball of pressure in my mid-back. After exploring the usually litany of ailments I suffer from, I came to the conclusion that the pain must be from one of the tumors.

Today’s visit with my radiology oncologist, Dr. Rachel Jimenez, confirmed as much. She has arranged for me to have a short course of radiation, five doses. I’ll be going to MGH Danvers, thankfully avoiding the drive to Boston for those six visits.

My medical oncologist, Dr. Dejan Juric wants to start meds asap. We are awaiting blood biopsy results. The clinical trial drug will have to wait til I have bone biopsy.

I’m not sure if it is being put off until I have the radiation or not, but we are still awaiting a biopsy app’t. They will be going in to my hip for that one. They need to type my tumor (previously ER+, HER2-) in case it has changed/mutated and they need to do a further study for a new receptor panel.

The two drugs I know I’ll be taking are Fulvestrant (Faslodex) which is a medication that blocks and damages estrogen receptors that is sometimes used in the treatment of metastatic breast cancer. And CDK 4/6 inhibitor palbociclib (Ibrance). I’ll tell you about the third clinical trial drug when I find out if I can take it. I’ll write more about the drugs when I start them.

I also have an app’t with MGH’s oncology ophthalmologist to check in and get him on my team. For now, I don’t need any other treatment but the hormone regime for my eyes.

Basically, I have an incurable disease that we’ll treat as a chronic illness. As each symptom appears, it will be evaluated and treated. Currently, I have breast cancer tumors that will be treated with a cocktail of drugs that could put me in to remission, or partial remission or in the least, halts the progression. The radiation will kill the lesion causing me pain.

Then we wait.


My Next Big Thing

Okay, Chris @ Life Your Way,  I’ll play. I’m flattered that you think of me, I just feel like my blog doesn’t warrant the attention—yet. But since I do have a book I’m working on I don’t feel so insecure answering.

The Next Big Thing

10 questions about my current writing project.

1) What is the working title of your book or project?

The Illusion of Marriage

2) Where did the idea come from for the book or project?

I can’t pinpoint a specific spark but it started with an opening and ending scene—I envisioned this story as a movie. I needed a plot for NaNoWriMo2011 and used this idea.

3) What genre does it fall under, if any?

Fiction: Literary/Family Drama

4) If applicable, whom would you choose to play your characters in a movie?

Jacob: Jamie Bell or Emile Hirsch, Helen: Bryce Dallas Howard-someone who can pull of uptight but warm.

5) What is the one-sentence synopsis of your manuscript or project?

Til death do us part: marriage meets reality.

6) Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

Yes, unless there is a third option by then.

7) How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

The first 50k I did for NaNoWriMo2011. I pretended to work on it for a few month of 2012, but now I’m aiming to finish up the first draft by Feb 2013. At 60993, I’m guessing I have another 20-25k to write.

8) What other book or stories would you compare this story to with the genre?

I’m blanking on anything specific. It’s a tale of marriage like any other and unique as all of them are. The lovely Jessica Ruston has a list of fiction books on marriage on her blog.

9) Who or what inspired you to write this book or story?

A death in the family prompted an examination of the lives around me, the struggles we all go through the triumphs and such.

10) What else about the book or story might pique the reader’s interest?

There are several secrets being kept that possibly doom a relationship, a few unforgivable acts forgiven, a postpartum psychotic episode, delicious meals, baked goods, frolics in the sun, and a dog named Bachman.

Geez, that almost sounds interesting. I’d better get back to work.

Your Next Big Thing

Tagging others is tricky since there’s so much inbreeding around here, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t participated. So dear readers (all two of you) there is no obligation to play, but if you’d like to—copy/paste the questions, fill in your answers, post a link to your blog in my comments. Or if you’ve already blogged your, My Next Big Thing, and would like to get more traction, feel free to post a link in the comments.