Panic at the Disco

Nothing like causing a panic to bring you down to earth.

I haven’t seen Declan since the day we spent 2 hours (uncomplaining) at the eye doctor, and I was really looking forward to our visit today.

It’s beautiful out. I woke up feeling relatively good despite the lingering pain in my side from radiation. I didn’t need an oxycontin over night or this morning to function (text edit keeps changing oxycontin to oxytocin-please note I know the difference between a hormone and a narcotic). And I have no pain from yesterday’s biopsy.

All is well. Declan arrives all smiles and is delighted by his new batch of dinosaurs, and one Godzilla, my thank you gift. The first thing he says to me is “I’m glad you aren’t dead. I don’t want you to die.”

Me either, little man.

He and I had ordered 1000 pipe cleaners at the beginning of summer. We watch video instructions and follow along but you know I am the one who gets stuck making all the things he wants. This morning I had to improvise as there was no Youtube video instruction for an American flag. We/I managed to replicate one well enough…anything for my Prince Charming.

Then he requested pancakes. Easy peasy. We make, we eat. He runs in and pops the tv on while I start to clean up.

OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME???

I went dead white. Got light headed, thought my intestines were going to escape my body, while my stomach threatened to abandon ship. I will note, that I did not actually, at any time, get sick. I just felt like I was near death for fifteen minutes. It wasn’t until my face went numb, then my hands went numb, that I started to panic.

When I broke out in a cold sweat and everything went buzzy, I was afraid I’d faint…can I panic now? Not for myself, but I didn’t want to scare Declan. I managed to walk into the family room and tell him I wasn’t feeling well and to watch tv for a bit. I reminded him that Annette is across the street if he needed her. I grab my phone and my hands were shaking so bad I briefly thought that I should go get Annette. Then I texted an SOS to Chris and Kayla. “Come quick, I can’t feel my face,” is not the message you want from the nanny.

Declan is smart and capable. I went back in, laid on the couch and told him I might faint. He said, quite confidently, “That’s okay, I’ll ask Alexa what I need to do for someone who faints.” His instinct to take care of me makes me cry.

So now Chris and Kayla are both on their way. Kayla ratted me out let to Paul know I wasn’t well and he called concerned.

And all I’m thinking is “Fuck. Is this my life now?”

I get a stomach ache and set off a panic at the disco.

I know how annoying it is when I say I’m sorry for a situation not of my own making, but damn it, I’m sorry I’m putting everyone through this. Heck, I’m sorry I’m going through it. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your worry, I do. It’s pure love and I’m grateful for it.

We’re all scared and worried, there is no way to not be. The truth is this is a serious situation, with serious repercussions. The treatments are not fun. Radiation and drugs cause as many problems as they solve. And as hopeful, and as determined as I am to see this though the long-term, the future is unknowable.

It’s the unpredictableness of it all that is most challenging. We have no idea which side effects will strike me, how severely or mildly, or how short or long lasting they’ll be.

It truly is a life that can only be lived one day a time.

However, I believe in making plans for the future, because they help one see past the current situation. Giving yourself things to look forward to, and to live for, can make a big difference in how you weather the storms chronic illness throws at you.

Lillian will be home Sunday, Tracey moves into her new house Aug 3rd, Kayla’s bridal shower is the 4th, her and Chris’s wedding is Sept 1st, Oct 3rd I’m hosting Sara’s baby shower, Oct 16th is our 26th wedding anniversary, I’m redecorating Eva’s and Lillian’s bedrooms (I seem to have a lot more company now).

I have a lot to look forward to.

I Feel Love, Donna Summer

Comments

  1. I too cried and then smiled. 15 minutes can feel like a lifetime when you don’t know what’s happening with your body, when/if it will end and what can I do to help stop it.

    Declan is a remarkable little man! I’m sorry I didn’t get the opportunity to meet him when I last saw you.

    The future is unknown and that’s why we need to make every day count! Yes, we can only live one day at a time but like you said Lynne, it’s important to make those plans and have things to look forward to in life.

    Love you!!
    Eileen

  2. Rebecca Morrissey says

    I cried and then I smiled. If I were there and you were telling me this instead of me reading, I think I would reach for your hand. Fifteen minutes is a long time to feel like that and not know why. 🙁 Declan sounds amazing!

Speak Your Mind

*

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.